Testing Depression:
A journey through severe depression, hospitalization, and medication.

(not part of the story)

Sorry for not posting for some time now. I have really been having a hard time the past few days, due to stress from work, from my family, and most of all from those horrible mood swings that come every 28 days or so.

Today’s post is a break from the story, because I just feel like talking about a very personal part of my current life. I think it might be helpful information to share. It’s a controversial, taboo topic, but I don’t think it should be that way because it strongly affects the mental health of millions of women.

Over the past three months I have been going through the most intense mood swings that I could ever imagine. I switched from using a non-hormonal method of birth control to using a hormonal method.

I was using a diaphragm before, because I knew that I was especially sensitive to hormonal methods of birth control. I discovered years later that the primary cause of my mental breakdown was my birth control pills, and I vowed to stay away from them in every form. I do not believe that my depression would have peaked so severely on its own.

Recurring urinary tract infections made me want to switch to a different form of birth control. The spermicide and the insertion of the diaphragm itself were causing irritation, and the resulting infections were unbearably painful.

Three months ago, I switched to NuvaRing, a hormonal form of birth control. It has the lowest (or one of the lowest) doses out of all the hormonal methods. I tried it in the hope that the side effects would be milder, compared with my previous experience.

For the first couple of months, life was awful. I went through frequent periods of deep depression. I often felt paralyzed by my thoughts and fears, and everything that caused even a little stress in my life became exaggerated. I also felt nauseous constantly, vomiting a couple of times. I hung on, knowing that it would get better. Doctors and friends told me to wait it out.

Now is the end of my third month. The side effects have definitely lessened, although they are still pretty bad. In particular, the week before my period has been horrible. I normally get depressed before my period, but with the hormones, the depression is magnified about a thousand times. The nausea keeps me awake at night, making things worse.

Why am I doing this to myself? you might ask. I feel that this month has been better than any of the months while I was using the diaphragm. I also am optimistic that later months will get better. If they don’t get better, I’ll stop using the ring, but I want to give it another couple of months.

Finally, I am doing this to myself because there is no other option. I cannot use an IUD because I have not had children yet. I am waiting for other contraceptive methods to develop, in particular the male birth control pill, though from what I’ve read, it won’t be available for another five years or so.

My psychiatrist never believed me when I told her that the birth control pills were one of the causes of my depression. My gynecologist didn’t believe me either. I stopped seeing my gynecologist and now go to Planned Parenthood, where the doctors, nurses, and staff are much more educated about contraception. I stopped seeing my psychiatrist, but that’s another story that I don’t want to go into right now.

Every woman should be aware that depression is a very common but frequently dismissed side effect of hormonal contraceptives. Many women on birth control who feel depressed are immediately put on anti-depressants, before other forms of birth control are even considered. Many doctors don’t believe that hormonal contraception can cause major depression, but it’s no different from how many doctors don’t believe that PMS exists.

Every man should be aware of this too.

Dr. Mossman walked down the corridor at a brisk pace, closing himself off from further interaction with me.

It was a disturbing experience to be pressured to share one’s innermost thoughts and feelings one moment, and then to be cast away like an object immediately.

I felt confused, although I understood. He was a doctor; I was merely one of his patients.

I was lonelier than ever before, knowing that the only people interested in my deepest thoughts were those who were obligated by their professions to cure me rapidly and emotionlessly, and then to move on.

Taking a break from the hospital story…

Last night I was awake early into the morning. I saw the start of the pope’s funeral on television. I am sort of Catholic but go through phases of religion and no religion.

Watching it wasn’t completely a religious experience for me, but I felt very sad, thinking about him. I used to idolize the Pope when I was young. In fact, I wanted to be just like him. I would run around the house with a wet toothbrush or spoon, blessing everything in sight.

I still feel an empty sadness. Please don’t judge me one way or another, or see this as an extension of my depression. The death of someone important to you is sad for anyone.

This website/weblog is about my experiences with depression. I have kept my experiences locked up inside of my head for years, but now I want to share them.

I was hospitalized a few years ago, and I will be writing about those memories because I am beginning to forget them. It was a very strange experience that I never wish to endure again, but it was also very unique and fascinating.

I also plan to write about my experiences with psychological testing, therapy, and medication. I have been through countless treatments, probably more than the average person.

I have named this website “Testing Depression” because I have been tested for and by depression in so many ways, and now I am recovering. I am testing depression back after it has tested me so much. By reflecting on my memories of depression, and by expressing my long-hidden thoughts, I am recovering from a mental illness which few have been known to overcome.

If you are considering therapy, medication, or other treatment for depression, my experiences may be helpful, but please consult your doctor before making any decisions. Everyone’s body is different, and people react differently to different treatments.