Testing Depression:
A journey through severe depression, hospitalization, and medication.

Dr. Mossman walked down the corridor at a brisk pace, closing himself off from further interaction with me.

It was a disturbing experience to be pressured to share one’s innermost thoughts and feelings one moment, and then to be cast away like an object immediately.

I felt confused, although I understood. He was a doctor; I was merely one of his patients.

I was lonelier than ever before, knowing that the only people interested in my deepest thoughts were those who were obligated by their professions to cure me rapidly and emotionlessly, and then to move on.

Dr. Mossman watched me carefully while I looked down at the floor, unable to answer his question. The silence continued for what seemed like an entire minute, after which I grew annoyed. He had been intrigued and fascinated by my embarrassed movements and my lack of words, and he made no effort to help my thoughts flow.

Frustrated, I shifted my eyes from the floor to his eyes. I stared back at him directly, hoping that he would speak. But he only stared back more fiercely, focusing his empty, analytical eyes on mine, and forcing me into a staring contest. Perhaps staring directly at him was a bad move after all.

Finally, I looked away, and he scribbled down some notes in my patient chart.

This website/weblog is about my experiences with depression. I have kept my experiences locked up inside of my head for years, but now I want to share them.

I was hospitalized a few years ago, and I will be writing about those memories because I am beginning to forget them. It was a very strange experience that I never wish to endure again, but it was also very unique and fascinating.

I also plan to write about my experiences with psychological testing, therapy, and medication. I have been through countless treatments, probably more than the average person.

I have named this website “Testing Depression” because I have been tested for and by depression in so many ways, and now I am recovering. I am testing depression back after it has tested me so much. By reflecting on my memories of depression, and by expressing my long-hidden thoughts, I am recovering from a mental illness which few have been known to overcome.

If you are considering therapy, medication, or other treatment for depression, my experiences may be helpful, but please consult your doctor before making any decisions. Everyone’s body is different, and people react differently to different treatments.